Brazil’s Advice for Hurting Parents Seeking Perfection

“The greatest gift you can give your children is your own healing,” said Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

Many parents find themselves asking a series of questions. Am I doing too much or not enough? Am I damaging my child? Am I being too strict or too lenient? Am I spending enough time with them? Do I help too much or should I help more?

Will a son who talks about his feelings be taken advantage of? Will a daughter with boundaries be seen as too bossy? Should a parent be doing more, or less?

These questions often occupy the thoughts of parents who experienced childhood trauma and are now trying to heal while raising their own children. Their primary goal is frequently straightforward: to avoid doing to their children what was done to them.

One parent described this as their goal before having a child, believing they needed to heal sufficiently to avoid repeating past trauma. The intention was clear: to never dismiss a child’s feelings, to be emotionally and physically present, and to offer compassion, nurturing, and unconditional love.

That is what children need and deserve. Yet, for many, doubt soon follows. The constant second-guessing and a quiet voice questioning if they are doing it wrong sets in. One person calls this feeling “Not Good Enough Stuff.”

Despite loving actions, the internal voice persists. Am I focusing too much on feelings? Should I let my child resolve peer conflicts alone? If a child wants space when upset, should a parent leave or stay nearby?

If a teacher seems unfair, should a parent intervene? If a child clearly needs help, should a parent wait to be asked or offer it first? The effort to always get it right is described as exhausting.

Upon reflection, two core fears often emerge. The first fear is about giving too much affection. One parent always asks for permission before giving a hug. When a son recently declined a hug while upset, the parent offered to just sit nearby. Sitting in silence, the parent wrestled with questions about doing too much or too little.

That moment can feel deeply personal, especially for those who did not receive consistent affection as children. A childhood memory was shared about a friend’s mother offering a hug, which felt safe and warm. When the child asked their own mother for a similar bedtime hug, the request triggered anger and rejection.

This was not shared to assign blame, as that mother likely never received nurturing herself. But as a child, the lesson learned was that their needs were excessive. Such beliefs often carry into adulthood and parenting.

So when a child says no to a hug, it can feel like more than a simple preference; it brushes against old wounds. This is when the “Not Good Enough” feeling grows louder.

The second, quieter fear is about encouraging too much emotional expression. Parents worry they might be setting a child up to be perceived as weak. This pattern frequently stems from childhood.

Having had unmet emotional needs, parents strive to ensure their children do not feel the same emptiness. This intention is positive. However, a major problem is that they were never shown how to do this. It is likened to taking a long drive without a map, directions, or GPS.

You would likely get there eventually, but wrong turns and frustration would be part of the journey. This is what breaking cycles of parenting can feel like. The destination is clear, but the path is not.

Mistakes are made, and then parents criticize themselves for those mistakes. The effort to give children what the parents lacked leads to fear of overcorrecting. A grounding thought for many is a shift in perspective.

Society often suggests children need more: more activities, more opportunities, more possessions. But some children with very little financially, whose core emotional needs are met, can be emotionally healthy. Conversely, having material things without essential affection and nurturing leaves a void.

The honest reflection is that feeling safe, seen, and loved would have been worth giving up many material possessions. This reminder brings the focus back to what truly matters: not perfection, but connection.

Mistakes are unavoidable. Parents will get some things wrong. What makes a difference is that they are doing things their own parents did not do. They reflect, question, care, and are willing to change.

Working on one’s own healing while raising a child holds more weight than getting every single thing right. It is likely that a parent is doing something meaningful that the child will carry for life.

Maybe it is apologizing after messing up, listening instead of dismissing, or trying again the next day. These actions are significant.

Parents sometimes lose their temper, hearing echoes of how they were raised and sometimes repeating harmful phrases from their own childhood. But noticing this behavior, whether in the moment or shortly after, allows for repair. Repair matters more than perfection ever will.

When parents repair relationships with their children, they teach them that mistakes are acceptable. They teach responsibility, reconnection, and how to build healthy relationships. This is a lesson many parents were never taught, and it has a profound impact.

So when self-doubt creeps in, it can help to take a step back. Remember that parenting in a way you were never parented is incredibly hard. You are learning as you go and choosing a different path. That effort matters far more than perfection ever could. You deserve compassion, and now you get to give some of that compassion to yourself.

The journey of healing while parenting is a complex challenge faced by many. It involves confronting past traumas while trying to establish new, healthier patterns for the next generation. This process, while difficult, can fundamentally reshape a family’s emotional legacy for the better.