Brazil’s Best Tip for Dealing With Someone Who Won’t Listen

One of the strongest desires people have in life is to feel understood. They want others to see their good intentions, recognize the thoughts and struggles behind their choices, and empathize with them. This need for validation is rooted in being social creatures who thrive on belonging and safety.

When someone feels misunderstood, it can be deeply painful. A relationship can feel unsafe when the other person does not try to understand. In one such relationship, the author experienced someone who assumed the worst, belittled beliefs, and mocked attempts to share feelings. This behavior minimized the person’s value and made them feel like they did not deserve respect.

The pain of feeling invalidated often turns into anger. The author fought, screamed, and cried, trying to force the other person to see their basic goodness. This effort to impose a will to be valued, regardless of the other person’s willingness or ability, caused more pain. The author justified this with a sense of righteousness, believing people should try to understand and treat each other with respect.

However, the author learned that expecting things to be as they “should” is a trap. Things will never be exactly as people think they should be, and resisting this causes pain. A more empowering approach is to be the person you wish others to be. In this case, that meant understanding the person who would not or could not understand.

Digging deeper, the author found unresolved traumas in the other person that led to deep feelings of shame and vulnerability. These feelings created a need to always appear strong and impenetrable. When someone is impenetrable, not much can get in, including new ideas or attempts at deep connection. The author realized that when someone makes no effort to understand, it often comes down to deep pain blocking them from love. They might be shut down to everyone, or specific ideas trigger something from their past.

The author recalled an article about a mother-in-law who always complained about her daughter-in-law’s couch. The author suggested she may have been raped on a similar couch. This highlighted that everyone has secret pains that often manifest in hurtful behaviors. The author admitted to shutting people out because they triggered painful feelings.

Considering this does not justify disrespect or mistreatment. But if understanding is desired, the key may be to choose understanding. Broadening perspective beyond personal safety can help create a greater sense of safety for everyone. By offering understanding, people can influence others to heal their pains and open their hearts when they feel safe.

The best thing to say to someone who does not understand you is, “I understand that you can’t understand.” This means accepting the other person where they are, even without knowing their past or what drives them. There is always some explanation, a complex web of past events and psychological factors that make them who they are.

This approach is not easy. It requires setting boundaries, such as avoiding specific conversations or creating physical distance. It requires pausing before reacting impulsively or in anger. It also requires mourning the relationship you hoped to have, knowing you are offering compassion that may never be returned.

The author takes comfort in knowing this is a less painful path for everyone. Choosing to be the change you wish to see makes it less important that everyone else sees or values you. Knowing you come from a place of love, kindness, and integrity provides a strong foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people who are not ready or able to love.